It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
