What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
