she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
