I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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