Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
