I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
