Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
