As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
