I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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