You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
