remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
