If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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