Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
