I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
