I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
