"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
