In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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