I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
