My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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