so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
