Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My dick has a subreddit
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
