OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
