WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
