my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
