I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
