I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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