I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
