I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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