Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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