umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
