I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I met the friendliest cop last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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