DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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