I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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