I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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