I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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