I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
