I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
