Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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