I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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