u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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