the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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