What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
