This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You are a booty call, not a friend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
