Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
