I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
