How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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