I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
