I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You're like the curious george of whores
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Randomize
