The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
