Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
