I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
