Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
