mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think my moral compass just broke
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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